Reconstruction

What follows is an observation of outcomes of a compilation of choices I made when I knew what I knew but didn't know what I know now, about ME. Awareness is the beginning of change. Sincerity makes it easy for me to be responsible for my part in outcomes. So, I write for myself what I believe I should remember.

A person with a choice will seek solace from distress. To me solace is a place of peace, some solitude where I can do what my body and soul want of me. My mind says "You Can Fix It". I think I see something I've seen before. I think I see where this thing is going. The pain ahead for another person, the pain I felt, I want them to avoid. This fix it drive is not a bad attribute. Social change doesn't happen until someone picks something up to fix what is broken or breaking. It can't be wrong to see a danger and use experience to make a favorable difference. But, I need to first understand what matters most to other people besides myself.

One summer when distress consumed our family, I tried to fix it. I didn't seek to understand. I held to a position in conflict with the sides in conflict; they had their idea of where to go or what to use to attain solace, or what permanent exit plan would be simple. My opinion was requested but not accepted.  I couldn't be on the crisis repair crew if I wouldn't agree to the only solution that, in the end, really mattered. I stepped away and turned my fix-it attention to a lonely building. Long neglected, this shed was holding its own against the elements. No windows, no door, no swinging double doors. This building wanted to live. I understood the building had a purpose it wanted to fulfill.

In the time it took to restore life to the building, life slipped away from love and cooperation. It left when dialogue was not considered an option.  I didn't seek to understand the pain of the person who needed me most.  I do not know what is best for anyone, and it's possible, anyone who is committed to a direction will pursue that course regardless of my input. Acceptance without resentment is the higher ground I hope to attain.

By June the shed was complete. Lawn mowers were finally stored out of the elements, yard tools  had their space, the restored building was an eye catcher again. It's funny that I expected to use this building, see it every day when I came home,  and be proud of my work for years. But I neglected a responsibility. Respect, dialogue, trust were damaged. I can only account for my part. I know there is more responsibility to go around, and it's not for me to look anywhere but at myself. The compassion of a relationship I thought had no end died easily. Resentment, judgement, fear has a way of finishing good things swiftly.

I held the love we built as a most cherished possession until it wasn't and then  I moved my life away. And so it goes. I have more proof  that leaving what troubles me is actually leaving what I love and packing the the burden of darkness to tote for the road. May I not repeat that decision.