Surrender With Both Hands

Crawling through a field at night, hiding in six inch tall grass, an on the run convict/addict looks up into the beam of a sheriff deputy's flashlight. The deputy has no idea if his man is armed. He knows he's dangerous--the pursuit was intense. "Surrender or I shoot!" With a feeble, noncommittal attempt and careless to his fate, the convict raises one-half arm, and one hand to the light. "Surrender to me with BOTH hands!" is the final order to the man on his belly.

Little kids know what the deputy knew. The one handed surrender is "the oldest trick in the book." Let 'em think you're too hurt to raise the other hand. Then when the other guy drops his guard, WHAM! You let 'em have it! No Surrender! Get up and run! To be a real surrender, a safe surrender, it's gotta be two handed.

Surrender is the hardest part of living. Trying harder is the way of the west. You can't do algebra? Try harder. You can't lift 250 lbs? Try harder. You can't stop killing yourself? Try harder. Never give up! Be persistent! Don't quit! Press on! Resist the temptation to quit. Pull yourself up by the boot straps. Winners never quit and quitters never win. Depends.

Depends on the event. And life is not a game. I tried to give up a few attachments with one hand. I used the other hand to hold on for safety. A getaway driver with a bullet in his left shoulder and a steering wheel in his right hand, I could always speed to my destination. I only needed one non-committed hand. As long as I was moving, I was trying hard. I grew up just tough enough that I could be persistent as in the persistent way a guy bangs his head against a brick wall until the concrete chips. Sure the concrete chip on the ground shows progress. But not much promise. Well, not much to the man of reason. Banging ones head against hardened clay will leave a brain muddled.

I was talking to Cathy last week and heard her say something I took to heart. "We don't know." She was responding to something I had said about the present. We don't know what our choices today will mean to eternity. Mistake? Calling something a mistake today is no more than naming a feeling. We don't know. I gave thought to those words until I believed them. we don't know, I surrendered with both hands.

Both hands in the air, high above my head, leaves me no way to hold onto anything for long. Anything gets heavy. Even feelings.

Patience

My friend Tim was told by a golf pro--'Tim, the problem with you is you want success and you want it right now.' To which Tim responded, 'And...that's wrong?' Twenty one years later, Tim might be just as bewildered by the observation.

For me, declining life's invitations to wait was not always a key to success but it got me right where I am today and this is where I should be. Knowing what I know and learning what I learned from the life classes I chose, I am aware of the opportunities in patience. Today I am open to hearing what I can only hear with a patient mind.

Waiting for a person today left me with an opportunity to breathe and think about how it feels to be where I was sitting. My mind went to places it likes to go. I didn't join. I brought the fellow back into my coconut. 'Wait there until I need you.' With the patience of a 3 year old, my mind trotted out of the warm and mushy confines again....Impatiently, 'Hey, let's be a dick. Let's make this person sorry. Let's say something toxic. Sarcasm. Come on!!Sarcasm. Use it!!'
With patience, 'Sit. Be quiet.' The eventual visit was worth the wait.

Later, I walked into a candidate debate. I carried patience. The environment is toxic by nature and this was no debate. The candidates are called opponents. It's a debate because they have different opinions. Opponent. Opinion. Any Greeks see similarities in these words? This event was an accusation. The challenger used a hefty dose of passive aggressiveness to accuse the incumbent. 'Murder and neglect,' she whispered louldly between the lines of her prepared statements to each question.

How do you debate those opinions? " Um,I disagree. Twice."

The two people were my teachers today. I watched the incumbant not jump over the moderator and slap her accuser. Patience was just one of her virtues. Grace was another. I was impressed. The accuser showed me how I am capable of sounding and looking with ill-will in my head, and stupid on my lips. I don't have enough days in my life to be that hurtful.

I see I was not there to listen to a debate. I was there to see myself as I am capable of being. Virtuous, or sinful.

Twenty one years after that golf lesson, Tim is a much better golfer than me. He took more lessons, practiced, and played the game of golf. I left my game in the hands of time. Time does not heal all wounds of golf.

I will practice patience.

Molly Goes to Heaven -- January 22

On the day Patrick passed Aaron's days of life, 18 years 3 days 12 hours and 15 or so minutes, Molly went to Heaven. She is running and lounging in the sun with her other boy. Her time with Patrick, Cathy, me is done.

Molly picked us out when Patrick was less than 2. An all around hunter Molly retired from active pursuit of birds and fowl in November '05. A month earlier she gave Doc lessons in flushing grouse and took him to school retrieving ducks in the water. A Chesapeake of any age would be humiliated to be out swam by a Setter, but Doc is not just any lug. He knew Molly ruled.

Molly outlasted her hunting days by 38 months. She was the constant peace in a home of sadness. Aaron loved to sleep in the sun with Molly. Patrick let her on his bed--until he was ready to sleep, then he'd give her the boot. Cathy could make Molly move from the pillow to the foot of the bed just looking at her---to avoid the mental telepathy Molly would try to not look her in the eye, but eventually Cathy's powers proved too much and Molly sulked to the foot. She would creep back in the night until she had the spot she owned. Grandma Lucy had her own tug of bed with Molly. At 80 she had to hustle to get in bed before Molly snuggled into the most cozy compression.

In the clinic Molly rested in her bed. She had a case of the Shivers. When Patrick and his friend Amanda entered the building, Molly's tail wagged. She knew he was nearby. I noticed the tail wag and then the shivers calmed when she sensed her boy. With her family around her Cathy and I saw the biggest smile on Molly's face. She knew she was loved. Patrick told Molly to 'go to Air-Bear'. I coaxed her to 'hunt em up in heaven'. Big Sobs. Big Tears.

The sleep was instant. Calm over her face first. Her eyes closed slowly. Molly let go. Peaceful. Goodbye.

Before I fell asleep it occurred to me, Aaron had come home 4 year ago on January 22.

Embrace Life

Patrick surprised me with new insight on a day I feared he would be sad. Aaron's life long friend Zach wrote a touching letter which Patrick received on his birthday. The idea of living beyond Aaron's age could be looked at more ways than one and the healthy way is what Zach talked to Patrick about.

I know PT has thought and talked about living beyond Aaron's shadow--sometimes an easier notion to imagine than to put into practice. Guilty feelings about abandonment might stop a person from living one's life without a departed loved one. The encouragement from Zach, whom Aaron was friends with since age 7 or 8, is as close to permission from Aaron as it can get. If Zach says OK to go, Aaron would surely not be oppossed.

Embrace life is the message. Live. I recall the letter I wrote to Aaron a week before he died. It ended with--"...all I want for you is to live." My wish for Patrick is no different. To live is to be caring of other people in a selfless way. Using what we have to help other people avoid misery or even death. I spent much of my life confusing living with existing.

Another Son Turns 18

Years ago I would think about years such as 2009 and imagine what the year would be like. Little , Patrick, who promised me he would stay a little boy, would graduate high school in '09. Aaron would turn 22. My vision did not allow for sorrow of any kind. One night I had a dream about the present. Aaron and Patrick were living together. Both in a college somewhere in the west. Patrick was going to class. He carried two bags of books--one for him, one for Aaron. Aaron was not going to class---he had another place to be.

The dream and my old visions have more in common than my old vision and the new reality. The future is also as much an illusion as a dream. I see the future from what I know about the present. My recall of the past is limited to all my mind is willing to revisit and repackage for delivery to my senses. The past is absolutely an illusion.

There is no past. There is no future. The present is all there is. Today is a combination of past and future: this morning, this afternoon, this evening. Even today is nothing more than a word to define what is not this instant.

Today Patrick turns 18. He is the second of three young men in our family to reach 18 since my 18th birthday in 1977. Kristopher didn't make it. He died at 15 years and 11 months in '97. Aaron made it...for 3 1/2 days in '05. This is the first time in Patrick's life that he has not had his cousin's life or his brother's life to model and compare. "When Kris was my age he did ____." When Aaron was my age he did ____" Those comparison opportunities will end on the 21st for Patrick. New uncharted territory. He may feel more alone than ever today. His ship is shoving off and the boys he knows are being left behind. Their footprints end in the sand. From here on he walks where they never had the opportunity to go. I dream he will press on.

It's hard to live in sadness. Death of a sibliing and big cousin who was admired may leave a young man feeling a loss of his true self. Searching for something to fill the void may become a full time commitment. Life is worth living, but being committed to living may be a commitment Patrick is not sure he wants to make. Eighteen is a landmark birthday. Graduating high school is a landmark date. With sorrow and the illusion of indifference to life neither event is joyful. Both mark endings not beginnings to the person who does not see joy.

When Aaron turned 18 four years ago I wrote about him with hope. Optimism was in my heart. A handful of hours passed and reality changed my optimism to grief. With Patrick 18 today I'm watching. My prayers are not for good things for him--I don't believe God will do for people what they won't do for themselves, but my prayers are for Patrick to want peace in his heart and mind. I pray for understanding and wisdom. Knowing the price of wisdom can be painful, I'm still asking. It's all that's worth having.

Patrick has the present. I have the present. We may fear and dread the future and be saddened by the past in any present. Illusions are no more than what we are willing to let them be.

The past and future--let them be.

God's Will, My Ya-but

Throw a stone in a still pond and the ripples can not be stopped by removing the stone. Once action is taken to put in motion a decision made on God's will or self will, the repercussions can not be stopped. The energy is released, the impacts are felt, and lives are altered. God's will is quite clear and simple. Direct for sure. The confusion comes in what I add to the question. Circumstances are not the problem. I make problems out of circumstances.

As a child I would respond to my Dad with, "Ya, but..." as in "You said you would cut the grass in today. It's today, the grass isn't cut, and now you want to go to the movies?" Me: "Ya, but I didn't know my friends were going to the movies." Dad: "Ya-but rabbit. Get your work done."

Promises and commitments made without intention to keep them are treachery as C.S. Lewis writes in Mere Christianity. Sins of the worst kind because they harm the spiritual condition of other people. There is no free pass for acts committed with impure intentions.

Having thrown a stone into the pond many years ago, I have tossed in pebbles to alter the ripples. Some were intended to stop the course of nature.More disruption of what exists is not progress. Removing the causes would not remove the impact. Today I pray to not add more to the life altering ripples and waves.

I noticed a remark to yesterday's post. Rereading, the commentor may see what they need to see instead of what they think they saw. I am grateful for the awareness of knowing more chaos will not lessen the impact of acting on my will. Today I have the opportunity to not live the way I have.