Gratitude

How do I thank God for ALL of my life situations? I can be grateful that I did not get a job, or a career, or a friend that I thought I so desperately needed. That's easy, but how to I say "Thank you God for destroying my son's heart and other internal organs so that his life would end in an instant at the instant he was being his true self?" That sort of a Gratitude is dysfunctional and obscene before even being selfish and sick. Three and a half years after the incident there is clarity.

My first prayer might have been to make this go away. Make it untrue. The closest second was for something God could and would do if he were sought---mercy, grace, dignity. The prayer was always answered. The virtues were always received, and not always accepted. Humanity is a powerful drug--one which I am powerless over. But because of God's mercy I had choices when my mind was a fog, my body was weak, cold, and broken.

The ability to make choices is where my gratitude is with respect to vicious life situations. The ability to make choices and the choices I made brought me to here. Regardless of right or wrong, good or bad, as perceived by how my choices impact the harmony, I am grateful. What happened in the past could be the target of my resentments and angers, or they could be where they are--in the past. My opinion of what was is of no consequence to the past. The choices I make when I form and manipulate my opinion of the past reality are dangerous and hurtful. The choices I make when I acknowledge what is or what is not, opens a door to freedom of bondage. Changing how someone feels is no more possible than changing history. All my actions mattered then, all my actions matter today.

I am grateful for the choices which brought me here today. Right this minute I will accept what is and what is not. I have no promise of accepting tragedy tomorrow, but this instant is not tomorrow.