Living the Dream

"I don't understand why we have to have money! Why can't people just get along!!" Aaron's frustration with life demands and expectations burdened his mind and troubled his days. Talented professionals took their turns exploring Aaron's mind, maybe some of them have an idea if Aaron was on to something or avoiding some things.

At sixteen Aaron exploded with exclamations like "I hate you. I never want to be like you!" With the mind of a dad who thought making a buck and showing up for events was enough I gave my sons a view of a persona they would have good reason to despise. Everything they had learned to be avoided I personified--ego driven, money driven, resentful, dissatisfied. Aaron's shouting was heard by me as disrespectful behavior when I should have heard the sound of a son's bewilderment and fear. Bewildered by the contradiction in my words and actions and fear of being on a road leading to death of a soul. Anyone with a healthy mind and an image of a peaceful existence would be wise to resist the mandatory boarding of a train to no where.

When Aaron was 7 I made up a long story for a longer car ride---The Man in Black. "Tell me a scary story Dad....tell it again." The story won me Aaron's Best award. It was never forgotten, often told, and always accomplished his goal--it scared him. The Man in Black wandered dark train stations of rural America in the late 1800's on the prowl for little kids traveling alone. In an unsuspecting instant, the curious kid would tumble into the Man's over sized suitcase and SLAM!! Gone without a trace...I believe the young adult Aaron saw the world as the Man in Black on the prowl for unsuspecting humans. The world would steal hopes, dreams, visions of happiness, and souls---the true self would become the annoyed, distracted, irritable adult who worried and traded peace for chaos. SLAM!

I don't know where Aaron would be today. I like to wonder because I don't think he was afraid of living his idea. Maybe I would have learned to accept him for who he was, maybe I would not have. We can't know.

Knowing what I know because I have lived what has been, I am pleased to hear from people who are going their way. In the last week a young man told me how he left his HR position to follow his heart and restart his photography business. A friend of Aaron's is moving east to pursue her drawing passion. A young man chose to go to rehab to free himself. I've witnessed Aaron's brother display his values and seen him living humbly. Gone is reckless ego, replaced with peaceful eyes and a heart filled with acceptance.

I see people choosing more often to do what they are able to bring joy to. They are being what they want to be as opposed to doing what they think society will most reward. Is this typical or a result of the catastrophic demise of a period of financial gluttony? It appears to me that the depression has powerful life saving attributes.

Months after Aaron died I began to understand Aaron's frustration and words he used to articulate his pain. They were the best he could come up with from what he had. When Aaron was 3 or 4 he would get mad at us and stammer "Mom (or Dad)you, you bug you! As a toddler, Bug was probably his best word for putting someone down for denying him something of pleasure. As a teenager, "Hate you" was his cry of refusal to accept what I had become as his fate. He hated, feared,despised being trapped and lost forever. Aaron did not want to lose his youthful hope. Peter Pan was no different.

I heard from one of Aaron's friends that he heard from Aaron in dreams where Aaron is encouraging his friends to pursue their dreams. Makes sense. There is no peace and promise of happiness in any endeavor---they are found in ourselves and we are always free to bring them to the work we do. Money is not necessary when we live with less expectations.

Just a Peek

That's all I want...just a peak at Aaron at 22. I saw a cousin's 22 year old son on Saturday. He looked healthy and content. Patrick is 18 and he's got it going on...healthy, insightful, calm and content. From what I saw for a few days at 18 I think Aaron would be just fine today.

There are no peeks in the valley of death. Aaron is gone. Gone is incomprehensible because I just saw all of the relatives who knew him laughing, talking, caring on. "Wild child" he was called at an age old enough to run and kick. Kristopher and Amanda called him Wild Child. Kristopher is gone too. Amanda is 24 and she's left to tell the story. Too cruel. At a family reunion the 76 and 80 something family elders told stories of their siblings and cousins. Seven full decades is acceptable to be a story telling survivor.

Unseen or forgotten photos make my heart race and my tears flush. I found one of those pictures on my sister's wall this afternoon. I remember when the picture was taken--9/8/01 according to the note from the photographer. A young fellow taking pics at a Badger football game was in front of AJ and me that Saturday. We leaned on the fence in the south end zone at Camp Randall. I asked the guy about his work and he offered to take our picture. Two photos arrived in the mail one day with a note about memories. Signed--Peace, love, and happiness. Major Latimer.

I like the picture. We're smiling. We were having a father and son day. I'm grateful for the peek back at a time that should have stood still.

Photo by Major Latimer. www.myspace.com/majorlatimer

August '04

At the time I thought my life was taking off. What I considered confidence was in fact ego which is not a relative of confidence. One is built on a foundation of delusional self will run riot and the later is built on humility. August 2004.

How close I was to a disaster I did not see. The sky was the limit. An airplane trying to climb with its nose up and losing power will stall when the air stops passing over the wing. In a stall, the plane drops from the sky quickly. The ensuing cork screw spin toward earth can only be stopped by right actions---God does not intervene.

In August we visited Aaron at MBA in Oregon. We were all together and it felt like family. Aaron was clean. He and Patrick made amends. Healing was underway. Aaron had done much work. As a father I didn't do mine. The works should not have been too much for me but I let other things into my life...things like self importance. My career would have been just fine had I maintained the status quo. How much else would have survived I dare to contemplate.