Who Are You?

Maybe six or seven years ago Aaron was making some CD's for himself and he and Patrick made a CD of some of my favorite songs for me. That was a good use of technology.

Somewhere along the line, must have been when Tipper Gore was in charge of the Vice Presidency and much was being made of the music our kids listened to, I listened to the music in Aaron's CD case. The hub-bub was the old "Rock and Roll has got to go" rhetoric, but with a little more self righteousness. I recall laughing along with Aaron at a comic bit by Chris Rock as he put the music and violence connection into perspective: "What are the kids listening to???" He shouted in dismay. "What I wanna know is what was in Hitler's CD case!" That made sense to me. So, I took a look and a listen to Aaron's music. Today I don't recall any of the artists or songs. They weren't bad lyrics as much as I could tell--but neither was Louie, Louie...I remember I didn't like the sound. But that was all to change.


Three years ago this month I was a mess with Aaron. The music in his CD case was angry, violent, and mean. I found myself in agreement with Tipper Gore AND Chris Rock -- Blame the music and the person. The sound's I didn't care for changed into lyrics I wanted banned. Hate. Death. Resentment. Destruction. Violence. Disrespect. Where did this come from?

I read the pamphlets, listen to the Public Awareness ads, and hear people speak about watching for signs of drug use in teens. Having lived through it, I respect what is being written and said, but I know the changes are suttle. Almost too suttle to notice. Rather than night and day, it is more like watching a tree grow: As the changes occur, you know something is different but you can't differentiate between what is normal and what is not. You almost don't remember the way things were, so compare and contrast aren't as easy as looking at a picture of before and after. You become accustomed to reality and you change too. Loss of sleep, confidence, hair, weight, security, smiles, health, happiness--those are real changes family members of abusers go through, not just the user.

I may have written about this in '05, but it's important to me to share again. When Aaron died, his car was impounded while an investigation was conducted. Patrick and I were able to see the car during the crash expert's analysis of the vehicle. Patrick took a wire cutter and a small crow-bar to remove the radio and CD player. Back at home, with a determined attitude, the hand of a surgeon, and the tools of a carpenter, Patrick extracted the CD from the player. Ever so careful not to scratch, dent, or crack the space age plastic disc Patrick announced "I got it".

Aaron's was listening to a CD he had made, maybe in the last day or so. The songs were favorites of his and mine. Eighteen Songs by 12 artists.

Bad Moon Rising - Credence Clearwater Revival (CCR)
Put a Candle in the Window - CCR
Traveling Band - CCR
Fortunate Son - CCR
Looking Out My Door - CCR
We Won't get Fooled again - The WHO
Going Up to the Country - Canned Heat
Hallelujal - Five Blind Boys of Alabama
Well Well Well - Five Blind...
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding
Peace Frog - The Doors
Who Are You - The Who
Homeward Bound - Simon and Garfunkel
Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult (I need more Cow Bell)
I'm Your Pusher Man - Curtis Mayfield
Domino - Van Morrison
Midnight Rider - Allman Brothers
If I Could - Jack Johnson

If music does tell us something about the person, then listening to these songs tells me plenty about my son. Where he was and where he was going were part of his character. Where he was on the last day of his life was where he wanted to be--Home.

Peace
Tom