Walk Away ---An Observation About Myself

I tell myself I walk away to distance myself from what hurts.  In all these years, I've never out walked pain. No, I walked away from the abundance of joy. I walked away from reliving mind altering happiness, love, compassion, serenity, peace, tranquility.  The dark days I ran from fade to pale grey but they don't go away. My mind looks me back to where I don't want to be; replaying unfriendly events. Unlike turning back time to choose another course, this look back doesn't allow for course changes. Not even slight alterations. No, instead I see the  darkness, my weaknesses, opportunities missed and they're all so patient.

I can't walk away from turmoil without taking some with m. What I walk away from are places, and people. The possiblity of another beautiful day. The people I left live on. The joy still happens. The laughter,  the stories, the heartache, and love are all still there.  I run from what hurts and all I accomplish is to walk away from what fills my heart with happiness.

The sorrow, the weight of turmoil, the ache in my psyche, the anger of others directed at me, those are the things; they are what I intended to walk away from. Sorrow, pain, turmoil walk stride for stride or they lag a little behind.

Observation for Myself: Before walking away, ask what I am expecting to leave behind. Ask what I expect to bring with me. Ask what life experiences I won't share after I walk. Ask if it's worth it to stay and be part of the solution, and keep the joy. Ask if the the darkness will stay behind. If I think it will stay and let me go, I had better discover evidence  to prove sorrow will let walk. The darkness may only fade to grey, but the door to what is good closes and can never be opened. May I grow from this awareness.