Who Are You?

Maybe six or seven years ago Aaron was making some CD's for himself and he and Patrick made a CD of some of my favorite songs for me. That was a good use of technology.

Somewhere along the line, must have been when Tipper Gore was in charge of the Vice Presidency and much was being made of the music our kids listened to, I listened to the music in Aaron's CD case. The hub-bub was the old "Rock and Roll has got to go" rhetoric, but with a little more self righteousness. I recall laughing along with Aaron at a comic bit by Chris Rock as he put the music and violence connection into perspective: "What are the kids listening to???" He shouted in dismay. "What I wanna know is what was in Hitler's CD case!" That made sense to me. So, I took a look and a listen to Aaron's music. Today I don't recall any of the artists or songs. They weren't bad lyrics as much as I could tell--but neither was Louie, Louie...I remember I didn't like the sound. But that was all to change.


Three years ago this month I was a mess with Aaron. The music in his CD case was angry, violent, and mean. I found myself in agreement with Tipper Gore AND Chris Rock -- Blame the music and the person. The sound's I didn't care for changed into lyrics I wanted banned. Hate. Death. Resentment. Destruction. Violence. Disrespect. Where did this come from?

I read the pamphlets, listen to the Public Awareness ads, and hear people speak about watching for signs of drug use in teens. Having lived through it, I respect what is being written and said, but I know the changes are suttle. Almost too suttle to notice. Rather than night and day, it is more like watching a tree grow: As the changes occur, you know something is different but you can't differentiate between what is normal and what is not. You almost don't remember the way things were, so compare and contrast aren't as easy as looking at a picture of before and after. You become accustomed to reality and you change too. Loss of sleep, confidence, hair, weight, security, smiles, health, happiness--those are real changes family members of abusers go through, not just the user.

I may have written about this in '05, but it's important to me to share again. When Aaron died, his car was impounded while an investigation was conducted. Patrick and I were able to see the car during the crash expert's analysis of the vehicle. Patrick took a wire cutter and a small crow-bar to remove the radio and CD player. Back at home, with a determined attitude, the hand of a surgeon, and the tools of a carpenter, Patrick extracted the CD from the player. Ever so careful not to scratch, dent, or crack the space age plastic disc Patrick announced "I got it".

Aaron's was listening to a CD he had made, maybe in the last day or so. The songs were favorites of his and mine. Eighteen Songs by 12 artists.

Bad Moon Rising - Credence Clearwater Revival (CCR)
Put a Candle in the Window - CCR
Traveling Band - CCR
Fortunate Son - CCR
Looking Out My Door - CCR
We Won't get Fooled again - The WHO
Going Up to the Country - Canned Heat
Hallelujal - Five Blind Boys of Alabama
Well Well Well - Five Blind...
Sitting on the Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding
Peace Frog - The Doors
Who Are You - The Who
Homeward Bound - Simon and Garfunkel
Don't Fear the Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult (I need more Cow Bell)
I'm Your Pusher Man - Curtis Mayfield
Domino - Van Morrison
Midnight Rider - Allman Brothers
If I Could - Jack Johnson

If music does tell us something about the person, then listening to these songs tells me plenty about my son. Where he was and where he was going were part of his character. Where he was on the last day of his life was where he wanted to be--Home.

Peace
Tom

October Skies

The first sounds on the marsh, not caused by the wind, are the wing beats of small birds. Chirps signal an end to the evening of silence at 45 minutes before sunrise. Ducks flutter in a little too soon. They don't stay long. A quick look and the ducks conclude their new friends aren't looking back.

A half hour before sunrise, the marsh is as beautiful as any place I've ever been. A steely-crisp moon, black water, gray or brightly speckled skies, pinkish yellow slivers of sky preceding the sun, and shadowy tree lines. If I were in the city, the atmosphere would be frightening. With steam rising from the coffee there is a peace in the morning.

Wet and comfortable in my canoe I thank God for the invitation to participate in His world. Starting my day this way is good for perspective. Aaron used to sleep in the bow of that canoe on the marsh. Snuggled in a warm and very soft jacket, arms wrapped around a shotgun, Aaron was as comfy there as he was in his bed--but Aaron could sleep anywhere. When the ducks began to work around our decoys, I'd whisper "Aaron. Ducks." He'd barely open one eye and ask "Where?"

Patrick took his place in the canoe this year. He ate snacks, snuggled in for some shut-eye, and plucked ducks. My boys know how to relax.

October nights are cold.

Learn to Dance

Saturday night Cathy and I attended a wedding reception. The young lady getting married is the big sister to two of Aaron's childhood friends. Carolyn was one of Aaron's favorite girls. Seven years older, she was the big sister to all of the kids in that group. To Aaron she was all of the big sister and surely there was a time he had a little crush on Carolyn.

I will always remember Carolyn for being the girl who taught Aaron how to dance. I saw Aaron dance with his Mom, his cousin, his Grandma at a wedding, but I never saw him dance with a girl-friend. One of those things I surely took for granted days past.

Saturday night, Carolyn was the most beautiful bride I had ever seen. Her siblings, Aaron's friends, Erik and Abbey moved me with their youthful poise. The exuberance of life in them magnified the one dimensional fact of death. Aaron's friends are growing, laughing, living, changing. That's what young adults do. They're real people with hopes and dreams; plans and emotions. These friends also keep Aaron close to their hearts. Aaron is a memory and photographs. He doesn't change and I miss him. Jenna found a picture of Aaron in her purse that day. While looking for a tissue during the wedding, she pulled a photo of Aaron out. A picture she didn't know she had. Aaron had written her a note on the back "To my sister..."

When the bridal party came into the room, I felt the wave of emotions come over me. For so long, Erik and Aaron were close friends and always together. Seeing Erik without Aaron is still not right. Crying is good and sobbing is better. A wedding reception is not the right place to sob, so I held it in as best I could. That's a good way to get a headache and aching, burning eyes. I did.

Cathy and I left shortly after dinner. We know when to say when to our emotions. Leaving the hall, we came face to face with the bride, Carolyn. We wished her well and said thank you for all she had done for Aaron. Carolyn said "Don't leave before the dance!" Of course, Carolyn must dance.

Much peace,
Tom

Johnny and Tommy

Tommy John and Aaron Johnny

Aaron played an exciting adventure he called "Johnny". A raspy fall day like today where the wind blew leaves from the trees and snow from the gray skies was a perfect Johnny Day. Off the bus, in the house, change of clothes, a quick snack and off to the world of Aaron's imagination.

Jumping, tumbling, running, yelling, Johnny was saving everyone in trouble. When the bad guys got the upper hand and Johnny was in serious danger, his trusty side kick came to Johnny's rescue---"Tommy". Except for one day when Patrick was invited to play the role, Tommy was only seen in Aaron's mind.

On the ground in obvious pain and distress, Johnny would call out "Tommy. Tommy. Help me Tommy!" I'm sure Tommy had the skill of the 1960's backyard-army-medic who healed every wounded Antigo east sider kid with a quick "fix-fix-fix". Tommy never left Johnny down. He arrived under the most threatening conditions and did his job. Once rescued, Aar...I mean Johnny would be up and running again, with sword in hand, always attacking, never retreating...Arrrgghhh!!! Into the dark of the early evening, the action was intense...and fun to watch from the corner of the windows--just out of view from Aaron's ocassional looks to see if he was being observed.

I think Johnny hung up his sword and gear a few years before Aaron wanted to put Johnny on the shelf. Aaron might have played Johnny for the last time at age 14. "Shauwt UP!" He'd laugh when I told people of his early teen year adventures.

I always wanted Aaron to write some of his Johnny and Tommy adventures. The stories would have made a great adventure book for little guys. The last time I told the story of Johnny and Tommy in Aaron's presence was in April, 2005. Aaron's real life friend Tommy was visiting. I thought it was fitting that Aaron JOHNNY had a good friend TOMMY.

Dream Works

From A Mount Bachelor Academy Classmate of Aaron

Hey Cathy!

How have you been? I wanted to tell you about a dream I had the other night.

I recently started reading the book "For One More Day" by Mitch Albom. If you're not familiar with it, it's about a man who has a near death experience and gets to spend one more day with his mother who had passed away. While reading it, I was thinking of my grandpa.

However, one night after reading I had a dream that I was in school and for one of my classes I had to try skiing down a mountain by myself. I was terrified, but right as I put my skis on and was looking down the mountain, Aaron appeared beside me. He told me it was okay to go down the mountain and that he'd go with me so I wasn't alone. He held my hand the whole way, talking to me, with a big smile on his face that he always had, saying it was fine. I asked him how it was that I could be seeing him and touching him after he had died. He told me not to worry about it and to just know that he's okay and he'll help me with whatever I need.

At the end of my dream, Aaron and I sat at the bottom of this mountain and talked. He told me to never be scared and know that he's with me. I may not see him but i just have to think of him and he's there. Then Aaron disapeared, but I felt much more calm and at peace.

It was a short dream but filled with so much meaning. I thought you'd like to know. Have a good day. And feel free to share with whomever you want. Take care.


Meghan

Aaron always had plans to travel the US and see the country and his friends. We are glad to read that he is getting around! Not surprised that he is out and about after everyone is asleep; Aaron was a night owl. We are grateful for this beautiful share.

Aaron's Dad

Wisdom to Know the Difference

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer. It flows beautifully... when presented to some other person regarding their troubles, and hard to practice when it needs to be applied to personal challenges. But I trust that third line is key to life -- wisdom to know what can and can not be changed.

"You can do anything if you put your mind to it." "You don't know what you can or can't do until you try." "Never give up." These are three mantras tatooed to my mind. They sound good. They sound very American. Who could disagree with persistence? I can today. I sleep much better leaving some of life's challenges to people more capable.

Admitting such people existed at all was a big step for me. I don't know how I could have ever gotten to this understanding without being broken. When I could not stand on my own, I had to lean on God and people. When I was able to stand again, I started to let go of the crutches in my life. When I let go I am without anxiety and never without God or right people.

To me, the things I ask for to accept with serenity are things about other people. I spent lots of energy trying to change people--that energy was wasted. Changes I made in myself were not always for the good, but I would'nt accept so little from other people.

Courage to change the things I can is primarily courage to change me. Maybe the biggest change I see is a willingness to not be every person's problem solver. It's OK for me to say: that job is too big for me, or to let someone else be the solution. Today it is OK for me to admit my limitation, step aside, tinker with non-essentials, and be a non important person.

Wisdom to know the difference is trusting God. Walking away from trying to save a person from a threat to their life would be cowardly and selfish. By trusting God, I am using what I have paid a high price to acquire and being aware of the motives behind my actions. If the motives are pride and ego, I am best to let go. Oh, believe me, I am far from perfect. Better than I was, but fully human and definitely with frailties.

Tonight I will sleep peacefully. In the morning I will awake and remember Aaron is gone. I know I can't change that fact, and then I will ask the question I ask myself every day--- So this is as it is, now what about me?

Peace
Tom