Aaron's Closet

Yesterday Cathy found herself in Aaron's closet starting a painful task: organizing.
As a Mom, how many times do you pick up after the kids--even when they are young adults, and wonder when they will pick up after themselves?

In late April, '05 I walked into the house and heard the loudest music coming from Aaron's room. The shower was running, pieces of debris left in Aaron and Patrick's wake were scattered where they had moved through the rooms of the house. I so clearly recall the thought "Ahh, I'm glad the boys are still home".

In the afternoon Cathy was at the start of probably the last picking up after Aaron--13+ months after he died. When I saw her at 6:00 PM, she was a sorrow filled Mom. At 9:15 she was still in pain. We talked about what hurt. "The sleeves of a shirt Aaron had worn were still rolled up and the shirt was hung where he put it. Seeing a shirt that we had purchased together on our last shopping spree. Recalling a memory I thought would never forget--but I had."

Cathy and the boys shop well together. I've been on those excursions and it's not for me, but Cathy and Aaron especially seem to enjoy that shopping thing. Same with Aaron and Patrick; they had their favorite trips too. So, a shirt to me is a shirt but to Cathy it's a story of an adventure; an memory of a bond.

Aaron's tie, the one he picked out in September of '04 and wore to important events, is still tied and hung over his "Bunny Bugs" stand. His knot is still tight. Aaron's suit coat--the pants didn't come back from Mount Bachelor, hangs around his one dress shirt. Inside the pocket I found a brochure from December 2004 Mount Bachelor Graduation. The front cover reads: Live as if you will die tomorrow, and dream as if you will live forever.

Sunday midday I saw Cathy standing in the middle of a garden Aaron had rung with landscape brick. She was watering her plants with tears. Kay Vincent brought us an incredible strawberry-cream cheese pie. We ate it all that day. Patrick had a piece.

This morning I delivered Patrick to Driver Education. This is not a comfortable time for Cathy and me. I don't want him to drive or ride. I parked and walked to the cemetary. Three grave sites I wanted to visit. Kyle Goldensoph, Shane O'Donnell, and Kyle Reigstad. Each grave is sparsely covered with thin blades of grass. I think the nature refuses to grow grass where nature rests a soul to soon.

A bottle of Aaron's favorite snapple sits atop his dresser, right where he left it.

I've been in two other bedrooms of boys who died recently. Their clothes make the same sounds of absolute quiet. I noticed in both of their rooms a book mark from Aaron's funeral. So many clothes. So much quiet and order. Too many graves.

Last night Patrick and I talked into the night by our pond and stream--our project. We love that spot. Patrick put his heart into his part. It's peaceful. I'd like to add a flame in the ground. We could see it from our house, flickering in the night. Leaving a light on for Aaron.

Contented
Tom

Uplifting Shares

Last Monday night I wrote about "The Aaron House" and included a request for interested people to make contributions. Tuesday morning a friend who read the blog Monday night brought in a check for $100.00! She seemed inspired by the mission and wanted to plant a seed. We are grateful.

Today, while working on the pond and stream, I saw a van coming around the corner. I recognized the driver as Emery, a Dad to a boy in Aaron's class and another in Patrick Class. They were not intending to stop but when we recognized eachother, Emery pulled right over and jumped out to say how sorry he was that Aaron had died. He's a few years older than me and we share a common interest in wanting our sons to be healthy. Emery had an important memory to share with me and he made my good day great by telling me about Aaron and his son Ty.

In 2003, Aaron was practicing football as a Junior on the varsity; his eighth year of organized football. Ty also a Junior was playing on a team for the first time ever. Remembering plays was not the easiest thing for Aaron. Catching the ball was as natural to him as falling down, but not remembering plays. I'm sure, no, I know Aaron was ridden hard by more coaches than me for running the wrong routes or missing a block. He knew the hurt of ridicule in front of peers. Emery shared that Ty told him "Aaron was the one guy who welcomed me to the team and told me what to do when I didn't know what to do on a play."

Ty didn't become a big contributor to the team but I do remember a sad night when Aaron was reaching the depths of his struggle. With the game well in hand, just minutes remaining and the coaches finally substituting, the benches was being cleared. Player after player was running in for a minute under the lights of the varsity football game. Aaron, who always stood with his helmet strapped on, ready to go in, was left standing on the sidelines. Ty went in. Aaron stood. His heart was probably in his throat. My blood was boiling.

Aaron came home after the game. He walked up to me, needing a hug. Aaron cried in my arms in the middle of the kitchen. I held back tears; today I would cry with a son in that kind of pain.

One day Aaron came home from Mt. Bachelor for a week long visit. We went to the Homecoming football game as a family. Aaron sat between Cathy and me. Patrick was with his friends in the stands. An adult asked Aaron if he missed being on the team. Aaron said "I'd rather be sitting here than standing on that sideline again." We all laughed. Later at home, Aaron went down to his room. I feared he would be crying. I had tears in my eyes when I went down to see him.

Aaron came out of his room holding some football shorts and practice shirts. "What's wrong Dad?" He asked. "I thought you were upset." I answered. He laughed and gave me the biggest hug. "No, I'm fine." I apologized to him for not keeping him safe. Aaron told me "Don't think you could have done anything. I made the wrong choices." I cried in his arms, I felt so bad that he was missing his senior season, his friends, his home. "Dad, I've got this lighter that I used to use to smoke pot. All of this is behind me. Let's go burn it together." We went out to our fire pit in the back yard.

The remains of a very dangerous past experience went up in smoke. We burned the pot lighter too.

Tom

Aaron Meyer Foundation, LLC

17 W Gilman in Madison's Mansion Hill neighborhood. The future home of The Aaron House.

In the spring of 2005 Aaron's post high school plans included returning to Bend, OR to attend Bend Community College with some of his friends from Mount Bachelor Academy (MBA) in Prineville, OR. Aaron's idea was to live with guys who shared his challenges. "We'll help each other stay clean. We all know what we're going through" is what Aaron told me. Knowing these guys had built a friendship on fighting a common cause, I believed Aaron had a plan that had merit. I suggested we go back to Bend together to retrieve what he left at MBA, find a house to buy and he and his friends could purchase it from me, fix it up and later rent it to MBA grads who desire to stay for school at Bend. Aaron was up for the idea and even offered to let me "hang out for a week" with him and his buds after we bought the house.

All summer I thought about what we had planned and how it would never be. Seeing Aaron's friends go off to college was a serious hurt. Never seeing Aaron come home is an agony we have every day. We raise our children to go off on their own. When they are ready, our whole being desires to see them fly. Not seeing Aaron leave home to go off on his own in the world as a young adult is a void that can never be filled. I can only speak for myself, but I think it is a desire as natural as nourishment. It's damn painful to have this void.

In the summer last year, Shelly Dutch of Connections Counseling, invited me to sit in on group counseling sessions with teens and college students. After 90 days of sobriety, the student "graduates" and is welcome to sit in as a peer, giving leadership to others. Two boys started and completed their 90 days in the program while I was attending. At their graduation, sitting between their parents, I heard the young men describe their challenge of being in college, living in a chaotic house of other young men, and trying to live clean and sober. They now had a higher value on their education, desired to stay sober, but were living with guys who had no reason to stay clean and sober.

Aaron's plan seemed to be a good idea for guys like these fellows. With lots of help from people like Randy Haveson www.RandySpeaks.org, Steve Brown and his staff including Dan Seeley www.SteveBrownApts.com, the great people on the Aaron Meyer Foundation and others like Tom Farley of www.ChrisFarleyFoundation.Org we will be open in January, 2007.

Residents can attend any of the post high school educational opportunities in Madison. The house is located close to UW, MATC, Upper Iowa University, Herzing College, and other places of higher education. Students can come from Anywhere USA to further their eduction, work on sobriety, and live in a safe and fun environment.

Horizon High School made a donation of $6,600 last week. With that money we are on our way to raising $50,000 by the end of December this year.

Our house will be named in honor of Aaron. His friends are coming up with the name and will be building the web site for www.AaronMeyerFoundation.org. It should be on-line as early as a week from today.

Donations can be made to the Aaron Meyer Foundation, a 501 (c) 3 organization. Our Federal Tax ID number is 20-3237066. Mail contributions to:

Aaron Meyer Foundation, LLC
3994 Shadows Ct
DeForest, WI 53532

When the web site is up and running, you will be able to make donations on-line. You are always welcome to mail contributions.

Rejuvinated by the excitement of Aaron's impact in our community,
Peace
Tom

Enough Said

Noah and Alex are two of Aaron's cousins. Noah, the bigger boy, has worked on imitating Aaron's football pose for YEARS. The look on his face is how he sees Aaron's look in the picture. However, now I wonder if it might be showing a little sadness as well as toughness.

Alex looks to his big brother the way Noah looked too his "Big Buddy Aaron".

Tom

The Boys Project

www.BoysProject.net

Months ago I wrote about the beginnings of The Aaron Meyer Foundation and had no idea where the Foundation would go. Less than a year later, I'm humbled by the ride. Not only has the Foundation discovered it's mission, doors and windows to the world as Aaron lived it are opening for us to see inside.

A couple of weeks ago I heard Chris Farley's brother Tom, tell Patrick "You know Patrick, you and I have more in common than your Dad and I. You and I lost brothers." Tom was able to raise Patrick's emotions with that simple admission. Suddenly Chris Farley's big brother was Patricks friend with an in-common hurt. That's male bonding at its best.

This week Shelly Dutch of Connections Counseling, working with teens and college students in recovery, invited me to a conference on boys. I listened to people virtually tell Aaron's story in describing the challenges facing boys in America.

From reading the book Why Gender Matters by Doctor Sax, we discovered The Boys Project and their mission to Help Boys Become Young Men. The Director Judy Kleinfeld has read some of this blog on Aaron and asked about the mission of The Aaron Meyer Foundation. The Boys Project reminds me of Aaron's experience at Mount Bachelor Academy and the wilderness work he did at SUWs; learning to be a young man who knows about himself and directing his energy to constructive work.

In the last week I've heard over and again the phrase: Using your strength to help. Those opportunities were always there for me in years gone by. However, if I recognized the opportunity, I let someone else do the work. I was more likely to think those could be things for me to do in my later years. Today is a later year and tomorrow may never be.

Feeling energized by seeing what's always been there and beyond my vision.

Peace
Tom

Friends from Home

Antigo, WI. Home of the Red Robins. Home for Cathy and me. Our Mothers still live there and they are doing well. We each have a sister and their families of young children. Aaron and Patrick are not from Antigo. They were born in Madison and DeForest is home for them. Not me. Antigo is my home. The city doesn't thrive the way it did in 1976 but it's still home. The economic boom of the 90's was not to Antigo what it was to Madison. While cities around the State were bursting with economic energy, Antigo had something more like a slow leak in a front bicycle tire. No boom.

It saddens me to see the downtown of empty stores and nick-nack shops. These stores were the life of the community. Except for Woolworths, JC Penney, Sears and Wards, the downtown was full of healthy family owned businesses. A kid (like me) walking and running down the street, going in and out of stores was always being watched by a person who had a stake in the community and who knew my parents. Safe and sound was how I felt and how the city of Antigo looked to a kid in the '60's and '70's.

I bragged about that city to Aaron and Patrick. Aaron and I visited "Con's" for the first time for a hot dog and root beer probably a dozen years ago. Jim Donahue, who knew MY Dad from high school was still running the place. Aaron loved Con's for what it was--A Boy Place! Pin Ball, Pool, Air Hockey, and now video games. If I ever saw a girl in Con's I can't remember. In high school, I thought it was a place I should avoid. Wrong. Con's was all about guy stuff and High School sports and nothing was bigger in Antigo than Football and Basketball from 1960-the mid '80's.

When Aaron was old enough to ride his bike from the Grandma's houses, he was off to downtown. With a friend one day they confronted some equal age Antigo boys. Aaron and his DeForest friend Chad were more than capable of trading barbs with anyone. They came back to Grandma Lucy's with quite a story and feeling ten feet tall. I often told Aaron that I wish I had been as confident as him in my day. Of course, he had the size to back himself up. I was a skinny kid with a mouth and fast legs.

Antigo is hanging on and somedays I feel like I'm doing the same. Three friends who go back as far as I can remember gave me a boost I will always remember. Dave Strobel I met in second grade. We mixed like oil and water at St. Johns grade school. Dave came from Appleton and took over my friends. As a punishment for fighting the nuns, in full black and white linen, had us write spelling words during recess once and after that we became friends. I have grown to appreciate his honesty.Paul Thiesen I met in seventh grade. Paul one of three boys in his family was always the guy to make you laugh. A big heart and losing hair since 1973, Paul is the same today when it comes to laughter. Dan Thorpe, the best man in my wedding and room mate through college. Dan and I met in seventh grade. He was the kind of kid who's athletic exploits were heard about before you met him. Through high school and college we shared athletics. Now we share the pain of having each lost a child.

The first night we had dinner and caught up a bit. The next day was a day of golf. Perfect weather. Perfect course. We played 18 holes for a dollar a point and in the end we were tied. There was a day not so long ago that a tie was not going to stand with me. I would either win or lose but never tie. If I lost I was not happy. If I won, well, I don't think winning made me all that much happier, but actually, I usually lost to Dan. On Saturday, a tie was perfectly fine for us. Just the way it should be.

As the weekend neared the end, the guys allowed me the time to share thoughts and feelings about Aaron and this past year. I don't know if anyone ever told them to "Mourn with those who Mourn" but St. Paul would be proud of them. Here's three 47-48 year old guys listening to Aaron's story; tears in their eyes and silent. The support I felt from them was what is written in Ecclesiastes 7:1-14 ..It is better to go to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting; for this is the end of all men, and the living will lay it to heart...Sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of countenance the heart is made glad. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth.


Those words are only words until you sit in the presence of people doing God's words. I was there and I'm better today for having friends from home.

Peace
Tom

Why Gender Matters

When I started this blog in 2005, it was going to be big on reviewing books and ideas of abundance thinking. All that changed when Aaron died in May 2005. Growing through this mourning and grief experience has opened doors to some fascinating thoughts. I am inspired to share with you ideas from a speach I heard on a topic which is so close to my heart; In fact, Aaron's life could have been a text book case for the author of Why Gender Matters by Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D.

As I listened to Doctor Sax, my mind went back to Aaron's first encounter with the Wisconsin Public School system. Cathy has more accurate recall of facts from 1991-92 than do I, so to avoid misrepresenting the facts, I will leave it at this: Aaron was quickly labled as "below average" because he saw things differently than "average" boys AND girls his age. As Dr. Sax said more than once, those "...(averages) are facts, but they are meaningless." Until the data is broken out for Boys seperate from Girls, the data is meaningless. Aaron was very likely average for boys and his learning methods were not unique, but not the "average" for boys AND girls.

I like what Dr. Sax observed about kindergarteners: "Boys and girls all don't know how to write sentences as well but what they ALL know is this: Who is in the smart group and who is in the dumb group."

As parents we have millions of decisions to make in the class room educational lifetime of our children. Today, nothing makes me feel more like I failed in helping my son Aaron have a healthy life than the way I trusted doctors, psychologists, evaluaters, social workers, teachers, and the school system.

Can't change the past, but I can change my knowledge for the present.

Why Gender Matters
by Leonard Sax, MD Phd
Doubleday 2005
www.WhyGenderMatters.com

Tom

In Your Hands...

Lift my son slowly,
Lay him down gently,
Cover him quietly...
while his soul returns heavenly.

A Dad's prayer for Emergency Personnel.
Tom

Signs

Coincidence or something more? Father Mike told me last year that he believes we receive signs from Heaven when we are open to receiving. I like to believe that's true.

Thursday I was driving home on the beltline. A red truck about the size of Aaron's Sonoma pulled up along side of me. The license plate is: AM 47 2 11. The numbers 11 have significance in some theory of signs. I being a friend of that theory read the plate as Aaron Meyer 4+7=11 2 11 or "Aaron Meyer 11 to 11".

Earlier in the day I had decided to start praying to God to ask him (or her) to return Aaron safe, sound, healthy and happy to us. I believe God can and should. My base for that belief is this: People say, "God understands your pain. His son died too." OK. But, God returned his son Jesus to the people on earth who loved him. Jesus, God's Son, walked the earth for 40 days (may have to check, but I recall 40 is the right number) after his resurrection. In that time Jesus reassured those people that there is a God, there is a heaven, and that He is in heaven. I'm not asking for more than that. In fact, I will accept less. But I am praying for some days with Aaron. I want to see my son walk through the door, or the wall.

The truck stayed to my left. We continued for a couple of miles. I asked Aaron if he was trying to tell me something. I felt like we were close to eachother; similar to the feeling I had when he would exchange banter with me in conversation or through text messages. At the height of my feeling that we might be touching a red car pulled up along my right side and moved past me. As soon as the rear bumper was in my peripheal, my eye caught the orange bumper sticker "Goodtimes. :) We miss you AM."
The car on my right was a friend of Aaron's posting one of the few bumper stickers some of the guys made to remember Aaron.

OK God, that's a start. But recall it was the Apostle Thomas who required more than signs and the word of others.

My prayer is more specific "Please return my son, happy, healthy and alive. I will return him to you. Promise."

Tom