Let Go and Let God...Morality and Conformity.

Morality: Latin. Meaning manner,  proper behavior.

When the demand for morality means conformity the color of the world is in jeopardy. The heart beat of the universe is not affected by our free will choice of acceptance, rejection, aggression, anger, or submission. There are times when "letting go and letting God" is an excuse to neglect God's gift and let someone else do the work, or take the risk.

Life does not give us only comforting opportunities. Those are easy. We're not challenged to do the easy. To stand up for the popular opinion. To go along with the crowd. To fall in line. Proper behavior is not necessarily proper by every person's standards. Surely the world history is full of tyrants who demanded of the people proper behavior, morality as they saw it. In fact, what authority would accept their decision being directly, and forcibly challenged?  It wouldn't be proper. The person who is willing to stand up against unjust laws and decisions is quickly labeled ill mannered, hot tempered, a bully, or  "of questionable morals". Conformity is well documented as the fertilizer for the fast growth of evil. See Nazi Germany, Manifest Destiny, Vietnam, Slavery, Genocide. Conformity can only happen when people accept what they know is wrong and follow the flock.

God gave us emotions which allow us to be so much more than passive and accepting and tolerant. Passive, accepting, and tolerant is to aid evil. God given ability to be bold and confront wrong is something to be grateful for. Wrongs left unchallenged breed pain and misery. Letting go and letting God might just be rejecting the quality traits God gave us to be who we are. If we all sit back and let God, maybe God might be wondering why we aren't being responsible. Is it probable that God is saying, "Let me? I gave you the ability to do what you need to do. You use what I gave you and be responsible."  God doesn't expect we will do the easy work and leave the tough stuff for God. Do we really want to only do the vanilla work? What kind of life is it to take what's given, never fight for right, or demand change? How do we move forward if we only participate in easy work and let go of the tough stuff? Certainly someone, who isn't Godly, can take advantage of that void unfilled by the passion of people who conceded their right to be passionate.

I sat down more than once and let misguided people do harm to others with illogical decisions. We have a moral responsibility to stand up and demand what is right. I regret a few times I backed down from standing firm for my beliefs in the name of letting God. I'm most grateful for the times I challenged conformity and stood up for what I believe. Nothing great comes from just getting along with the crowd.

A Daily Reprieve

Grief. Ten years. April 28, 2005 I recall we were meeting or preparing to meet with the people at Horizon High School to discuss the conditions for Aaron's graduation. He had relapsed on April 22 or 23 and came clean about the slip with his counselor. Patient confidentiality was overlooked; the private counseling staff was connected to the school. I stood next to Aaron's classmates as he walked up the hill to meet the school staff to hear their decision. One of the students standing next to me calmly said, "He's got a lot courage. If it was me, I don't think could face this."  Aaron did have courage. He also had integrity. Aaron came to face the staff and accept their decision. I was prepared to battle the school and the counselors. Conflict! Patient Rights!

The meeting started with Aaron speaking. He said he would accept the decision and comply with whatever they felt was best. I seethed inside. The decision was handed out--Aaron could finish school at Horizon (1 more month) but he was only to attend first hour, and then do his work from home, go to counseling, step meetings, and locate employment.  I rejected the idea that he should not be in the school from 8:30 to 3:00. Accept the decision, I was told. They know best. Let go of control.

I handed Aaron a letter I wrote on the weekend. It ended with "As you turn 18 and finish high school, all I want for you...." The sentence ended at "you". I was typing on a flight to Austin. They announced to put away electronic devices. The  letter was printed before the meeting, put in my pocket, and looked over by me at the conference table. I saw I had not finished the letter. I wrote in pen "...is to just live". I handed the letter to Aaron. He read it, folded it into a small rectangle and put it in his pocket.

At about 4:30 on May 10th, I saw that note again. I had fallen face down on a pile of clothes in Aaron's room, and clutched at his clothes. I felt something in a pocket of a dirty pair of pants. The letter was a bit tattered. The last words, written in ink were all I had to see,"Just live."  Just live Aaron. Just live. My first resentment occurred happened that instant. Guilt of failing to fight the school and the counselors to keep Aaron in the school building flooded me. Anger at the decision makers swept through me. Angry. Bitter. Mean. Justifiable anger.

Within two hours I was face down again on the floor of the living room. I could see the shoes of the Priest. Maybe I was trying to push through the floor. I stopped with my head in the corner. I was trying to recall the prayer I was given for no known reason that morning: Let me hear what you need me to hear, let me speak what you need me to speak, let my mind and heart be open. The words escaped me. I'd only heard it once and that was less than 12 hours earlier. Instead I saw in my mind Jesus in the Garden of Gathsemane. I cried through the words that came to mind, "God, I don't want this to be true. I don't want bear this cross. If this has to be, then please help me do this with Grace and Dignity".

Truth can't be undone. Time will not recede. God can't grant wishes of resurrection to those who pray better or ask more deeply. God does answer prayers for grace, dignity, mercy, compassion, forgiveness. I've been blessed with the ability to accept God's Grace and to approach life with Dignity. I don't always accept the blessing. Angry, bitter, and mean is a choice. Grace and Dignity are a daily reprieve. Today I have a choice. There was a time in my life when I had no willingness to choose a healthy way. Today I have a choice. I'm grateful for the answered prayer; for the daily reprieve.

These are some of the last photos I know of. Aaron with his cousin and guitar on Easter Sunday, and Aaron with lifelong pals Zach and Erik at a wedding in April.

Things I Left Behind

When life experiences happen and moving is the choice chosen, a person can fit only so much in a U Haul truck or trailer. I left  things behind two years ago and  still carried out more than I needed. Self preservation inspired me to another destination. I never grieved the loss of this relationship. But grief doesn't care if you pay the price now or later; grief knows you will pay. Been paying the man for over three weeks. I pray this debt can be settled soon. Let me go. 

I spent a good amount of energy packing things that I had kept and decided to return. I'm stuck with pictures I can't seem to delete, and memories that may be more or less reality. I can't look at either. 

This morning I was laughing about all the stuff I packed up to move. It occurred to me that the really important tings were left behind. I left the hill with the spring breeze made for flying kites. I left maple syrup days of spring,  the the aroma of the cooking syrup, the laughter of the families who joined us to make Sticky Fingers Old Smokey. I left the shade. I miss the hammock. The compost bin I made had to stay, so did the gate on the garden fence. The old shed I left better than I found it...it;s useful again.  The tall grass prairie we planted and groomed will never be gone...the six foot tall thistles may be forever too. I left the last turkey I couldn't catch up to. I hope he's safe. The giant dark summer sky filled with stars is still there.

Last night I had dinner with the young lady I left behind...she's not my daughter but will forever be my girl. She was 12 when we left our reservations about each other and broke the ice with Zanzibar Chocolate ice cream. She's 18, smart, confident, considerate, compassionate, and safe. Pretty sure I left an indelible impression on her. She's the most forgiving young person... I kept every insight she gave me. Treasure every one.

We can't take it with us and that's the way it should be. I left behind amazing days and spectacular nights. I didn't leave the serenity...that was taken away. I left behind the anger and sorrow of people who I pray find their peace. I carried the resentment toward them far to long. I'll leave that along the road and count my blessings.

To Reach This Shore

For hundreds of years, and probably longer, people have risked their lives to cross that ocean and walk on the shores of North America. Some set sail by choice, others by force. To some this shore might have meant hope, to others despair. How many souls vanished in that ocean taking with them their hopes and dreams and fears? And, here I stand as if it's nothing.

The connected world overwhelms me. Without people trying by any means possible and failing by every means possible, we would not be moving effortlessly from sea to sea. I take it for granted that I can step on a ship that floats or flies and be on the other side of the ocean with virtually no risk. Five hundred years ago, what courage must it had taken to set sail in a wooden boat to navigate this sea?

I have no problems. I have no great risk to do venture anywhere. Those problems and risks were burdened by people who had nothing compared to what we discard as out of date today. We are the caretakers of this beach today. We don't own it. I'm grateful to have visited it and contemplated my life here today. I'm grateful people reached this shore when it was near impossible.

For The Rest of My Life or For Today

For the rest of my life. I can't do this for the rest of my life. Fortunately, the rest of my life is not all in one day. I can do this today. What I like about living in the present is today is today and it's only today.

My resentments were born yesterday. Today is not yesterday. I can leave the resentment where it came from: in yesterday. No reason to bring yesterday to today. There's no room.

Tomorrow is where fear lives. Today is not tomorrow, so no reason to bring tomorrow's fear into today. Today is today and right this moment is really all today is. Right now. Now. Now. Now.
Right now I have no resentments and no fears. When I leave today and go to yesterday or tomorrow I walk into resentment and fear.

I only have today. I've made mistakes in the past, Good chance I will stumble in the future. But today I am able to be the best man I am capable of being when people need me most to be me. No one needs me yesterday. Tomorrow will be today. And today I am able to do.