December 2, 2003 -- So Far Away

So much turbulence, heartache, hope, travel, work, promise. I remember how hopeless I felt in the late fall '03. My son had lost me as a dad and I had lost him as a son. It was that bad. Maybe I didn't have hope at 4:20 AM on that Tuesday morning on December 2, 2003. The off duty deputies had arrived to escort Aaron to MBA in Prineville, OR. I showed them to where Aaron was sleeping. I can still see him curled up in a blanket. Aaron later told me he was more passed out than asleep. When Aaron was gone, I may have still been hopeless, but I was confident he was in a safe place, in the hands of people who were experienced. Cathy was broken. Patrick was scared. I slept better. The house was incredibly quiet.

Four years have passed since that day. Was it right to send Aaron away? I don't give time to that question anymore. At the time it was an option more favorable than others. In the spring of 2005, I was grateful for all that the MBA experience had done for Aaron. He was home. He had some wonderful skills, an outlook to admire, and a plan that made sense. If I have regrets today about sending Aaron so far away for so long, it's because he's not here today to love and share the moment. I won't contemplate what those 13 months would have wrought had Aaron not been in a safe place with people who were capable.

I would like to have those 13 months back. I'd like to have all of the years back. This month the Aaron House has a student-resident graduating from the UW. His parents must have some sense of peace. I'm grateful for not turning sorrow into anger and resentment. I can appreciate Aaron's House because I'm not trying to rewrite the past. Looking at the past is OK, but I'm not going to live there.