Levaing Solo Alone

New experiences are part of grief recovery and I'm just now seeing that I am ready. New experiences are new reference points in life. To accept new references I have to be ready to let other memories fade or blur from exact to my best recall. A drawing on a blackboard rubbed out by an eraser. Some residue of chalk leaves a dusty image of what was once sharp.

For some parts of life with Aaron, I am not ready to smudge with new experiences. A few weeks ago two of the mentors at Mount Bachelor Academy called to invite me to participate in the October Intervention. They have located Aaron's solo site and now use it as a solo site for one hand picked young man to occupy at each intervention. The interventions are held 2 times a year. Intervention is a 10 day experience on a ranch in the hills outside of Prineville. The boys selected for intervention learn to be men by being men. Aaron shined in the experience. He was selected MVP of intervention in April '04 and chosen to be a student leader in Ocotober '04.

Aaron shared his intervention experience with me on April 23, '04. To walk the grounds and hear him talk was to watch my son tell a story of his life from confusion to manhood. The photos we received from his October intervention leadership week a pictures of the man. From child to man Aaron made the stride with the help of men who showed by example. Aaron did the work. He used his smarts, his wit, and his physical strength. That ranch is sacred ground. I'm a witness, not a participant.

I cried alot of tears contemplating making the trip in two weeks. Body shaking emotion overwhelmed me. Fear is certainly part of the overwhelming emotions. I fear I would lose my clear recollection of what I saw and heard from Aaron. Do I dare step foot where we once walked together? Do I look at his solo site without him and confuse today with yesterday? I'm not ready to lose Aaron the way I have him in my mind. Are the intervention grounds best left undisturbed by me and the image of Aaron not confused with my appearance? I think so. Few people, I am told, ever took on Intervention in the way Aaron challenged the week. His courage and strength are part of the legend. That's OK with me. I make it a point to do my best to tell Aaron's story in truth. Leave him be no more or less than he was in life. If the memories of others have Aaron as bigger than life in comparison to others who walked the walk, then I would like to leave that image alone.

With a twist of irony, as I was in the midst of trying to come to terms with this decision, I was offered a chance to stay at the Aaron House on the same day as the intervention in October. I know where I should be creating new memories, instead of dust.

Aaron's solo site is probably not a place for me to return to in the near future. I know his ashes need to go there. Someday I will do my work to take Aaron to his home. For today, I'm leaving the place alone.

Collage above includes pictures of Aaron's view from his site. The grinning Aaron holding the steer hide is Aaron where he slept. The hide, he had ripped off of the skull which served to guard his site. The pictures were taken a couple of weeks after his solo. I took that picture. The poem was written by Aaron on his solo. The collage was made by Jason Vincent, Aaron's friend.