Self-realization...is then less an awareness of ourselves than an awareness of the God to whom we are drawn in the depths of our own being.
The New Man. Thomas Merton. 1961
Merton wrote over 40 books. I'm on the third and fourth now. I sense the author and I walked some of the same roads. He was there before me and went further into the spiritual discovery quest than I could ever venture. The synopsis of his life says Merton is one of the leading spiritual thinkers of the twentieth century. Loved and despised for his social criticism in the 50's and 60's, Aaron would have been fond of Merton. I hope Patrick picks up these books one day.
Common advice to the person in grief from well meaning care giver authors is "Keep busy -- Get back to work -- Get on with life -- Take a trip -- Come here -- Go there ...." No one is comfortable with despair and no good person wants a to see someone they care about in despair. "despair is precisely the specter we would like to keep buried in oblivion by our ceaseless activity" according to Merton. Buried in oblivion I love that description; its definite, strong and permanent.
"Rationalizing and excusing...,camouflaging its own defects and magnifying the sins of others..., the pshyce of man struggles in a thousand ways to silence the secret voice of anxiety." Anxiety breeds in all God-excluded actions. Actions to discover "self" exclude God. Actions to discover God in ourselves lead to honest discovery of self.
In all action where I could post the sign "No God Allowed" I discover anxiety when the dust settles at the end of the day. The tyranny of passion, as Merton wrote, when we chase the wind is man without God. I experience the goodness of God in the moments of uncluttered, non-disturbed, non-distracted peace. When I am true to my feelings-- alone or not, I am close to God. But wonderfully, also, in the deep sorrow of despair, it is God I find. Despair looms as verboten as the Hotel California. No man who fears checking in without ever leaving, will enter.
In despair the distractions of the life of the flesh are not important. Anxiety is a choice. Evil is a choice. But evil and anxiety are not present in despair. God is there. Only God and we. When we reject God in despair it is only we and we are not God. Serenity and despair are the houses of God.
This I accept as true.
Tom
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