An Imaginary Friend. The Grief Shadow.

What's a blog and how do you make one?  Fourteen years ago about now, I heard of blogging and knew nothing about blogs. One way to learn is to read about blogging; the other is to blog. I read a little and switched to learn by doing. Book reviews was going to be my topic. Seemed like a way to combine something I did with something I wanted to improve (writing) with something I wanted to learn (blogging).

At  9:20 PM on May 8, 2005 I was learning to blog by writing about my son Aaron.  The last words I remember him saying was "Next season!? What? We just started watching!"  The season finale of Desperate Housewives was wrapping up. Television shows have seasons was a concept Aaron had never considered, but he knew waiting.  As a child Aaron despised "To Be ConTENued". Before he could read he knew To Be Continued meant Dark Wing Duck's life would hang in the balance and keep him wondering. Indefinitely.  I smiled.

The post I wrote while Aaron, his mom, and brother were being left cliff hanging by Terri Hatcher and Eva Longoria, was A Son Turns 18.  The thoughts I had that evening made the most peaceful, hopeful, positively certain of good things, grateful, forgiving attitude I ever remember.  And, this too shall pass.

Early in the morning...maybe 12:30 or 1:00 AM May 11, 2005 I picked myself up off of the floor and wrote my next blog post. It's titled A Son Goes to Heaven. On my desk sat Aaron's resume; the one he had printed that morning and left on the printer. Hope, peace, optimism vanished. I couldn't stop the tears.

Instead of reviewing books, my blog became a review of the grief journey. Thoughts, perspectives, memories that hurt, anger, frustration, resentment, and even gratitude came out of my head. No editing. Just as it hurt.  Fourteen years. I just commented to my wife that eighteen years of memories is reduced to dots of happy thoughts, and dashes of regrets.  Fortunately the dots fade a little less than the dashes. 

Grief is an imaginary person only you know. It's the shadow you never lose and don't always see. Where you go so goes grief. Maybe I've learned to embrace grief. I know I've learned it can't be outrun.  Peace.