Ten Years Paying the Toll to the Troll

Too few photos exist from 10 years ago. These were all taken April 2, '05 or later up to about May 6, '05. O.A.R. songs were often heard in our house when Aaron was home. "I just want to make you laugh, I just want to see that smile. Babe we're only here for a little while...I want peace."

Unacceptable conditions inspire people to demand an end to insanity. Some insanity can't be changed. Every hour grief requires  acceptance of the unacceptable. Acceptance yesterday, or this morning,  doesn't do it for now...right this minute. For those who see that as not accepting, as I see it, there is nothing but this moment. We can not accept what is in this moment for a feeling that will be in a future moment.  

In the first months of this journey I spoke to a man who's daughter had died. How long ago? I asked. Two years, said the dad. I swallowed hard and cried at the thought of living with this for TWO YEARS. Maybe I've been walking for ten years to get to the end or to get away from the sorrow of the start. It's always there either tagging along or standing in the way blocking the ahead. I'm pretty sure I am looking for something. I want to find you.

A video exists of a very young Aaron telling the story of the Troll and The Bridge to two kids younger than him. He learned that story from me. Because it included a scary Troll and danger Aaron loved the story. He also loved the story I made up of The Man in Black. Unknown danger. That man waited in the dark shadows of a train station. You could not board without facing The Man in Black and his intentions. The anniversary is the Troll, The Man in Black.The next year is the bridge, the train. The Troll won't let me pass without paying the toll. The Man in Black won't let me board. It's out there...that Ten Years. The image makes my jaw tense. They're just feelings. They're not real. Feeling the winter sun through my window is real.