Tampa

Destination Tampa. Midwest Airlines is not what it used to be. No warm cookies, but according to the box tacked onto the partition at the ticket counter you can buy a box of frozen dough and bake 12 yourself at home. Cool. Fifteen bucks to check a bag. Cool. Flight attendants. Cold. Everyone is a little pissed off it seems. No smiles.

From '98-'02 we vacationed in Sarasota. Most of the time we flew to Tampa and drove down. Aaron and Patrick were great vacationers. Take them to a hotel, a pool, room service, and they were set. Well Patrick always needed time for his lungs to adjust--hook him up to the nebulizer and wait for his skin to turn from pale to pinkish and then he was ready to swim. Cathy, PT, and I almost made this return trip two springs ago, but cancelled as the date approached. Too traumatic to go without Aaron.

I am not sure why I am here, something coaxed me to keep going with an idea that seemed ideal more than a month ago. This morning I almost called it off, but here I am. Never have I been to FLA and been cold. Until the plane touched down today. Coming in over the Gulf of Mexico, the plane banked and approached the runway. 32 degrees, the Captain announced. Then I saw what triggered an emotion. Of all the beautiful sights, what ached my heart were round fuel storage tanks on the ground around the airport and the palm trees whipping past the plane as we raced in toward the terminal. Next was the inside of the terminal, then the shuttle, next the rental car stations, and then the drive south toward St. Petes and Sarasota. I have not cried deeply for some time, but that changed today. Grateful to be able to feel emotions. Especially the ones that don't include anger. What is the name of the emotion where you cry hard, the snot runs out of your nose, you sob, and your body aches and shakes, and then you feel tired and refreshed? I don't think sadness is it.

There were days I could not get to any feelings that were not related to resentful. Remembering what it was like, I recalled the agitated feelings. The anxiousness of getting to the hotel or condo, and the impatience I had with the boys. Regrets for sure, but I know better than to stare at the past. I remembered and forgave myself. I didn't know then what I know now. Today I have choices. Thank you Spence and others.

32 is 32 in Tampa and Madison. NW wind and hard cold. I sat by the pool in shorts and shirt off for 20 minutes then took a barefoot walk on the beach. Bright sun. Icey sand. I retreated to my room. Found a warm spot out of the wind on the balcony and then fell onto the bed. Woke in time to go meet some friends of Bill W. The topic of the conversation was---God's will and grace. Geezes. I don't know how this thing works, but everywhere the results are the same--I just shake my head in wonder. I always get what I need.

Don't know why I'm here. But I'm here and where I am going I don't know for sure, just that I will be there when I get there. In the morning I have some people to see at 7:00, then point the car south and drive. Expecting to reach Bonita Springs by 11:00 and maybe find a warm spot protected from the wind.

Fishing in the Gulf is the only activity I want to be sure to do. I friend set me up with a surf fishing rig. If the temp doesn't go north while I'm south I may need to send for a tip-up.

Wondering why I'm here and not regretting coming.