Surrender With Both Hands

Crawling through a field at night, hiding in six inch tall grass, an on the run convict/addict looks up into the beam of a sheriff deputy's flashlight. The deputy has no idea if his man is armed. He knows he's dangerous--the pursuit was intense. "Surrender or I shoot!" With a feeble, noncommittal attempt and careless to his fate, the convict raises one-half arm, and one hand to the light. "Surrender to me with BOTH hands!" is the final order to the man on his belly.

Little kids know what the deputy knew. The one handed surrender is "the oldest trick in the book." Let 'em think you're too hurt to raise the other hand. Then when the other guy drops his guard, WHAM! You let 'em have it! No Surrender! Get up and run! To be a real surrender, a safe surrender, it's gotta be two handed.

Surrender is the hardest part of living. Trying harder is the way of the west. You can't do algebra? Try harder. You can't lift 250 lbs? Try harder. You can't stop killing yourself? Try harder. Never give up! Be persistent! Don't quit! Press on! Resist the temptation to quit. Pull yourself up by the boot straps. Winners never quit and quitters never win. Depends.

Depends on the event. And life is not a game. I tried to give up a few attachments with one hand. I used the other hand to hold on for safety. A getaway driver with a bullet in his left shoulder and a steering wheel in his right hand, I could always speed to my destination. I only needed one non-committed hand. As long as I was moving, I was trying hard. I grew up just tough enough that I could be persistent as in the persistent way a guy bangs his head against a brick wall until the concrete chips. Sure the concrete chip on the ground shows progress. But not much promise. Well, not much to the man of reason. Banging ones head against hardened clay will leave a brain muddled.

I was talking to Cathy last week and heard her say something I took to heart. "We don't know." She was responding to something I had said about the present. We don't know what our choices today will mean to eternity. Mistake? Calling something a mistake today is no more than naming a feeling. We don't know. I gave thought to those words until I believed them. we don't know, I surrendered with both hands.

Both hands in the air, high above my head, leaves me no way to hold onto anything for long. Anything gets heavy. Even feelings.