How To Be Friends

"Dad, when you were a kid, if there were guys you wanted to be friends with, what did you do to be their friend?"

I remember the question, not the answer. Aaron was probably in first or second grade. School opens the doors to kids from different neighborhoods. And Aaron loved going to school for abundance of friends. Erik and Zach were already good friends when their three lives merged at Windsor Elementary School.

As our conversation on the friends question progressed, I discovered the question was more than hypothetically inspired. Aaron had never hesitated to introduce himself "Hi, I'm Aaron. Do you want to be my friend?" Something was obviously different about these guys and Aaron was being careful to make the most of his opportunity.

I recall mulling over the essence of the question starting with when I was a kid.

When I was a kid, I wasn't about to go it alone. Kids either came to me to be friends or I connected with the loners. I was a one-kid-friend-at-a time kid. I did have a situation I related to though. A new kid came to town in second grade. I wanted to be this kids friend. His sister and my sister were two years older and they connected. The boy in my class became friends with my friend--me, not so much. Instead of having two new friends, we fought on the play ground of St. John School and spent more than one recess writing spelling words. It was in one of those Nun-imposed writing in silence isolations that we decided on a peaceful co-existence. My friend became his friend. Other kids became his friend. His friend base grew. Our peace plan enabled us to do recess and from time to time we were OK friends. The attitude of non-physical violence lasted through high school with resentment just below the surface. Today we are good friends.

I don't know what Aaron's approach with Zach and Erik was way back then, but something happened as it should. A bond was formed in grade school and it held through some challenging times. Like any friendships, there would be moments of growth, investigation, experimentation, discovery, and exploration. Experiences they did not always share in. I know Aaron was glad Erik and Zach never abandonded him. I know they were glad Aaron came back.

This picture was taken only days before the three would physically part forever. I see Aaron being completely comfortable with himself. He grew into his own in his time away from home. The picture was re-discovered two days ago. Zach's Mom gave it to us along with another picture. For two years this photo hid behind the other in a frame. By chance the frame was opened and out came this treasure.

I love the picture for what it reminds me of and what it says about friends. The double edge of the sword though cuts deep into my heart because it also shows me what is lost. And I miss what is lost more than I remember what was.

Whatever those little boys did in grade school, I'm grateful. Those three knew how to be friends.

Tom