Time is Smug

Entering Pic n Save this evening I met one of the Dad's to a boy from Aaron's class. It was good to hear how well Joe's son is doing playing baseball in the South. This young man of 19-- Luke, was a little boy with Aaron playing youth football in DeForest not so long ago. His Dad tells me he is now 6-4 and 240 lbs. I remember being impressed by Luke when they were in fourth grade. They were all good boys. They were surely better boys than I was a coach. I do miss those days.

The speed of time from little kid to adult is lightning fast. To me, I was 9 and 10 forever. I don't recall childhoods going by so quickly in the 60's. Everything is faster today.

Listening to Joe remember the youth football days and seeing how proud he was of his son gave me a good feeling. I like to hear about the guy's becoming young men and experiencing accomplishments. Definitely my heart feels the void of not having Aaron. I can't speak for all Dads, but it seems to me that Dads mature with their sons as natural as hair turns grey; one day we're crawling around on the ground playing monster to their hero, and next we're sharing ideas and suggestions for the better or eachother.

When I was 16 my Dad died suddenly and I'm sure my growth into being a young man was retarded by the loss. Now when I would prefer to be a Dad to a 19 year old young man, I'm sort of out of the game again. My feeling is not one of being cheated, but instead there is a pain that could be maddening. To be certain, my constant pain is for my son. The salt in the wound is the collartoral damage injuries.

Oh I know I am supposed to trust that Aaron is in a better place with God, but one should understand that logically that suggestion doesn't add up. God made life on earth and if God did not want us to value and protect our life on earth, would God have made life on earth? Less philosophically, because we value life, we can not turn around and say "Life is good, but loss of life is better". To change the order of values is common. To change to value the negative opposite of one thing is unusual at best. How can one continue to value life and at the same time value death? Can I value Peace and Violence at the same time? I suppose I can value rain and sunshine, but neither of those is evil.

I trust in God. I know God did not kill Aaron. I am working diligently to grow. No one ever knows the extent of a person's personal growth work. That's why from the outside it looks like "time heals". It's just an old cliche which cheapens a person's agonizing work. The Good Work a person does over time is what heals. The person does all the work, and TIME gets all the credit without bearing any of the pain. For what it's worth, a person hurt by the death of a child could use the same amount of time and turn themselves into an angry, bitter, cruel, resentful person. Intoxicated or addicted for that matter. Time is a greedy bastard; always too slow or too fast. Never on our side. Time runs out on us. We get in trouble for not being on time, but do we ever get rewarded for being ON-tim? And then Time gets all the credit for healing. I think Time is smug. It takes all the credit and says nothing. No humility.

I want my son Aaron to grow with us; the same as his friends. How empty it is to not have a story to tell about Aaron. The story of Aaron's life ends where stories told by other Dads begin.

The train has left the station. Everyone's son who was coming home got off. Everyone's son who was going somewhere got on. I'm standing at the depot trying to hold my head up and the tears back. I'm hanging on to Patrick and Cathy.

Thanks for the suggestions Aaron. You're my hero.

Keepin' on--
Dad