Memorial Day 2006

An ad on the radio just played telling me how to improve my child's self esteem. I can find out how by logging on to a web site.

Well meaning suggestions for surviving grief include this idea: "Be grateful for all the memories you have." Some memories really hurt and some really make me cry. I'm grateful for those too but gosh I miss my Aaron. This picture with the puppy was taken April 23, 2004 outside of Prineville, OR. An incredible day, Aaron's self esteem was abundant. I was more than grateful.

The dog is a ranch puppy. He hiked with us all day. For a good part of the beginning, he tried to join us by holding on to Aaron's pant cuff. By the end the little guy was trotting along between us. The location is Aaron's first "Solo Site". Just as it sounds, a solo site is a place where Aaron lived on his own for a period of time. God he loved this place. Aaron went back near the end of his Mount Bachelor stay to facilitate--be a mentor, for other boys (coffee picture). He earned that invitation by doing his work. A summer in the Idaho desert (picture napping) doing more of the same gave Aaron more tools to take care of himself in any situation.

Self esteem is something we parents chip away from our children but I don't think "their self esteem" is ours to give or improve. We provide the environment of safety, contentment, anxiety, confusion, success and failure for our children to be. My memories of being Aaron's Dad are not all to be proud of. Failure, confusion, anxiety were at times my doing. Any loss of self esteem for Aaron was in a big part my doing. Those aren't good memories. A Dad should be capable of showing a range of emotion. A Dad who allows self esteem to foster should be consistent and flexible; confident and humble. That wasn't me. I'm getting better and Patrick is the benefactor. It's too late for Aaron.

Aaron would have made a wonderful Dad, although he told me he was not going to be a Dad. That may be the most telling statement about what he knew about the position.

On Memorial Day 2006 we will attend a Compassionate Friends bench ceremony at Vilas Park. Aaron's name is now inscribed on the bench first placed their 12 years ago. I sure never wanted my boy's name on that kind of a bench. Counting the one in Oregon, this is bench number two.

I'd like to see his name on an airline ticket home.

God, that hurts.

Tom