C.S. Lewis is a fabulous writer, a man with a brilliant mind. Reading his work is a labor for me and in the end I always feel my mind has been expanded...well beyond the sports page.
I'm always up for a mild adventure to new discoveries. A memorable trip, not unlike reading Miracles, happened when I dragged and paddle pushed my canoe through a marsh of more mud than water. My expectation was to reach what I thought would be a secluded duck hunting spot only known by the most determined, bold, adventure seeking duck hunter I know... me. Instead, I discovered the same pot hole was easily accessed by the route I drove past hours earlier. People were already there. Having exerted less energy than I, they were dry and content.
When it comes to adventures in understanding prayer and miracles, maybe the adventure is more than the discovery is worth.
Once upon a time I believed that praying to God and asking for "The safety of my nieces, nephews, and children, and the children of friends" was enough to deliver them from evil. Year by year, events kept challenging my Catholic school upbringing. At the end of 1997 I was as confused as a first mass serving alter boy. What went wrong? I prayed for my sister's children the same as my own, yet her son lost his life in a crash where three others walked away. Was this a miracle that 3 of 4 lived? If it was a miracle, how could a prayer of one have a more divine connection? What was wrong with my prayer? Why could the miracle not include the fourth boy? Did I ask too much, too often? The God who created the heavens and the earth is big enough to lift a fourth boy out of harms way. Surely a merciful God would not say yes to three families and no to one. But the reality is this: God appears to have said no.
For the next six or seven years I was in a quandary about prayer. OK, I decided, I am not to ask God for things as if he is a genie in a bottle granting me three wishes. If He is and does, the explanation is easy, I used up my quota on grade school girls or family trips to a root beer stand i.e. "God, please have Dad take us to Dog n Suds tonight, please God." Should I be able to ask for safety of loved ones? No. I found myself stopping short of asking for safe keeping of friends and family. Maybe I thought God was a pushover for reverse psychology. Somewhere in the upside-down-world Bible it probably says "Don't ask and you shall receive". How well did that work out for me?? Not well. For clarification read my earlier posts.
With an open mind I have endeavored to learn more about prayer, trust in God, God's will not mine, and miracles. I hope to learn what is known but not shared with people like me.
This morning we heard the devastating news of three DeForest High School Juniors being killed in single vehicle crash not far from their homes. My family is sad for these families. We know some of what they will experience and of course we have prayed in the past weeks that God deliver others from this awful fate. We met three families who's sons were invited and declined to accompany the young men who lost their lives. It is probably a miracle that these boys are alive. Is it unanswered prayers that the others are not? I'm not comfortable accepting a God who says yes to one and no to another. The prayers are the same.
Back to C.S. Lewis. Well, he's wonderful at focusing the eye of logic on a question. The last paragraph concludes with this nugget of wisdom:
When the event you prayed for occurs your prayer has always contributed to it. When the opposite event occurs your prayer has never been ignored; it has been considered and refused, for your ultimate good and the good of the whole universe.
Did God answer my question/prayer by keeping the children safe for just the day that I made the request? Was I not specific enough? Did I fail to ask one day? Did God think I didn't mean everyday? Is God the great literalist?
Moms, Dads, brothers, sisters, friends, family, I know will not accept the lives of their children being snuffed out for the good of themselves and the universe. Letting our children die can not be for our good. Is the universe so fragile that well intentioned young people surviving could offset the delicate balance? The current good health and longevity of seriously evil people suggests the universe could survive with more teenagers.
Well, I certainly drove past the easy access to take the laborious route again. The nuns told me in grade school: God hears all prayers. That's all we know. However, if God does intervene over forces of nature, (which I doubt) we had better do as Aristotle suggested and ask the right questions of God. For me, I will stay with praying for serenity, courage, mercy toward others, and wisdom. I'm not angry with God. I'm feeling worn out from trudging down a challenging path to get where I could have been by re-reading my second grade first communion book. But I'm happy with God.
To those who are beginning the journey of grief, know that others have started down this road and have grown in their spiritual relationship with God. I'm grateful for unanswered questions for the search keeps me coming back. The best I know about prayer is this: if I pray for other people, I seem to get better. I accept God's will.
Wishing Peace for those in anguish.
Tom
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2 comments:
Tom, you asked me in your e-mail, "what do I think?"....I went back and reread several of your previous writings, I don't "think" nearly enough, this is obvious. I do feel your writings are a marvelous oulet for your emotions and they have helped me to reconsider the fortunes and love each of us have in our own lives. Thanks for that. I think you should continue with what you are doing, it's good for all of us. Peace....TJK
Tom and family, after having lost a child at a very early age, both myself at 21 and Josh 3 and a half months old of SIDS, you are only asking the same questions we all ask. I have taken care of ill people all of my working life, from the aged to the not so aged, young and old, critically ill etc. I keep asking the same questions over and over. Why would God take such young wonderful vibrant people over an old crippled,critically ill person in a nursing home, or a person in agony, dying of cancer wanting to die each day? It has been 27 yrs since that horrible time in my life, but, time does heal the pain, I will tell you that. It is still so very fresh for you and your family. The first anniversary of each holiday, season,birthdays, etc. is all part of the healing process. And you will also go through much anger, at everyone almost, or so it seems. I didn't have my son as long as your family did, or the many memories, but who can put a scale on the loss of a child.I still have my parents and siblings. The loss of a child is like no other pain. It is like ripping out our insides, the empty feeling left and the feeling of not having anywhere to go. But, it does help to know others care, and are thinking of your family. I do think writing your thought down is a great outlet for your pain, and a good way to help your heart heal. We may never understand WHY??? Unfortunetly, but what you can do as a family, which is very important, is stick together, give each other space, we all grieve in a different way, and for different periods of time. But, which I'm sure you already have read, it is very important, you must go through all of the grieving steps. And anger is one of them. I don't think that it is wrong to be angry at God, and if we question, it is only human. You and your family appear to be very religious, I hope you can at some time come to have a little peace. My prayers are with you and your family. Again, have patience with each other. My husband and I were able to latch on to each other for support, but we did have different ways of grieving. I literally wanted to die, Tom,
after my son was gone. I hurt so bad, there were days I thought I couldn't go on, or didn't want to go on. I told my husband that, and he put it in pespective. He told me, What about me? I then realized that we were both hurting, not that I didn't think he was, but, I got so caught up in my own pain, I didn't think about what he must be going through. I think that the experience helped to make me the person I am today. Keep doing what you are doing, the writings help to reach others who have lost, also to help others who haven't, understand the pain and emotions. And most of all, a release for your own pain. Take care, RAH
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